Happy in The Midst of Depression

Happy in The Midst of Depression

               I’m fed up! I’m fed up so much that I think, “There is no purpose and no reason why I should live on other than Curiosity, ‘What’s next?’”

               I think I’m in love but each time I ask myself should keep it and tell her when things are practical or tell her now and hope to be practical. The conclusion that I came to is, “Don’t keep it, Leave it.” The method adopted for coming to this conclusion is Religious and based on Insticts.

               I like helping people so if I know that the receiver will say no if he/she knows I have my own work. I will keep it a secret till they say it. I will tell them the truth later but you can guess how they will respond!

               I am not fed of the responses I get. But I am fed up with myself. I’m so restless to help, to serve and to make a difference that I put forward lots of ideas and they fire back at me.
Looking at my life generally, it’s quite dry. I never got to live my dreams. Not anyone’s fault. I said ‘No’ to some things out of senseless expectations. That means “My Fault!!......”

               Now to think on love again, I will never be successful in it with this attitude. I give what I think she wants but that’s never it, is it!!... I am over concerned about her while at the same time she has not expressed or may be even had a thought about me. My question: “She calls me when she needs me but does she even remember me otherwise. Even if she does, as What?”
               I wonder if God really like my deeds because what I want the most is what I always loose; Love Friends the smile on my parents face. They all happen no matter how hard I try. The funny thing is that, sometimes I can’t even try. Again, “My Fault!!....”

               I will tell you something about the reason for such a title. If you remember I had told you about my attitude about helping others; that only happen with some of my very special friends ok!
A few days back something similar happen.
To a very weird friend of mine I asked if she needs any help. Then she asked if I knew anything on a certain topic and I told her what I know. But in between something else came up. She asked if I had to an imposition to write which had to be submitted the next day. Yes I had to write but I said, “No I don’t have” because I knew she wouldn’t have let me help her if she got to know about it. At the end of our conversation I told her the truth. Her response! Well let’s just say a volcano would have been better. She continued by ordering me to go and write.
I hope she is not mad at me; otherwise I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.
Well moving on with the story, Like any common student I fell asleep two minutes after I started writing. The next morning before going to college I started to think of ways to escape class. But when I reached class and when I got the window to escape without any side effects I hesitated. I could have escaped from all possible problems but my heart hesitated. “Stupid Heart!......”

               After facing the consequences of my very irresponsible deeds. I thought to myself and prayed,  “Thank you for preventing me from doing what was wrong.”